A different direction: Educational Television for Kids

Fucking kids shows... Remember back in the days of the Magic School Bus, and Bill Nye the Science Guy? Back when learning was fun and every day was a different adventure into a land of mystery and the unknown. From traveling down someones small intestine in a microscopic school bus to building scale models of our solar system and using cheesy fast forwarding cuts to get from place to place and create time elapses. Now we have fuckin Cailou the mentally challenged six year old, and we're outsourcing our education to fucking Dora and Diego, who we all know should be learning how to trim hedges and not teaching our youth how to count. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for bilingual learning, I think every kid should learn more than just English. It's the way that we do it now that really perturbs me. We baby our kids all the way into their teen years. Life is gross, people are ignorant, and not everything is rainbows and butterflies. Unfortunately, the parents of today don't know how to let the kids learn about it because they shield them from life, and people, and stuff the rainbows and butterflies so far up their children's asses that they don't realize that they are stunting their education. Cookie monster for example is now eating vegetables, which is healthy and all, I get it, but what stupid hippie commune poster child WANTS to eat veggies? NO cookies are fun, cookies are tasty, and simple rules of positive reinforcement will tell you that kids will probably learn better if it is associated with something they love, LIKE COOKIES maybe. Not vegetables... something that they most likely hate, and probably yell at mom and dad about every day. This is my rant, I'll yell at you and insult and troll you in the comment section if anyone happens to read this, but I probably won't give you as much credit as you deserve because I honestly don't give a fuck if you give a fuck or not. Have a ball.

Movie 68: Moonrise Kingdom

This charming and humorous tale of two twelve year old lovers may be the best movie I've seen since Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Through Wes Anderson's brilliant eye we can see the fantasy land of a small island inhabited sparsely, only a few residents and a summer camp making their home here. More of a chuckle than a belly laugh, the humor is witty and poignant, and sometimes quite surprising. Planted firmly, but really not so firmly, in fantasy land there are plenty of surprises in store for this under rated movie.

Movie 67: The Amazing Spiderman

So after seeing the Avengers over the Summer, this movie will probably fail to blow your mind quite like that butt blasting movie did, though it is pretty good. I was less than impressed by the IMAX 3D that I watched it in, it definitely isn't worth the extra five bucks to see it in 3D... unless you thoroughly enjoy seeing the depth in people's faces as the streams of dialogue wash over your sense of hearing like waves lapping onto a white sand beach in the Keys, drenching your senses in a film of slightly used sewer poo... that was well crafted up to the crappy (see what I did there) ending... anyway, if you like Spiderman, see this movie, if you like him passionately you will probably be slightly disappointed but it's still pretty cool even though it had to follow one of the best superhero movies ever made, The Avengers, which is still in theaters by the way ;) 

Movie 66: Without a Paddle

Want dumb yet somehow witty... no just dumb humor with a very quotable quality.... try Without a Paddle. I mean it has Dax Shepard and Seth Green in it, funny and straight man of iconic moron comedy. I know all these "compliments have negative connotations, but really I love this movie :) it's the perfect length, laugh, and ending. No thinking required, no mystery to be solved, just good old fun, like roughing it in the woods... on the corner of bum-fuck and you got a perty mouth.

Movie 65: Ted

"Marky Mark" or so I've heard him called, does in fact make this movie, as I was told prior to watching it. That Bronx accent is awesome and this movie is a piece of work. Offensive in all the right ways, and even a little touching, this movie is a clever twist on a classic framework. Most movies with this kind of plot elaborate on the first few years or days of Ted's awakening, but this is about what happens after. Full of clear watermarks of Seth Macfarlane, obscure references, derivative yet inventive humor, and his own voice heard prolifically throughout... this movie is a Macfarlane masterpiece (as far as his work is concerned) and I couldn't have asked for more.

Movie 64: Brave

After Disney's recent dry spell I had pretty diminutive expectations for this Celtic twist on the classic Disney tale, but I was pleasantly surprised. In the nature of Celt mythology the tale was spun around nature, magic, and their interaction with people. A strong, independent female with a backbone makes for a fresh look away from the stereotypical subservient and helpless princess, there was no prince in this movie, though there were potential suitors. There's some big controversy as to whether Merida was actually lesbian or not, but kudos to Disney if that was the intention because diversity is something that Hollywood has been lacking even in the face of the PRIDE movement, especially in the animated front. Overall a great new Disney home run to add to the classics collection.

Movie 63: Rock of Ages

ROCK LIVES! Even though this movie symbolized the age of the death of rock and the rise of shitty music I would only wipe my ass with. Packed to the shitter with incredible mashes and mixups of gorgeous rock of the 80's, this movie rocked my socks off. Tom Cruise played an incredible rock god and personified sex so well that a sheltered four year old could have picked up on it, about as blatant as the color yellow in The Great Gatsby... so stoked for that movie by the way, and it better be fucking colorful.... anyway I was going to make a lot of cheesy lyric puns but I think that would take away from what the lyrics meant... independence, sex, dirt, sweat, and dirty sweaty sex. A little mano a mano action as well but I won't give it away... I think I just said man at man... I'm rambly tonight but that was such a fun and moving movie that I'm still piped from seeing it. Structured writing is for people who work for the man anyway. If you love rock and roll, or Tom Cruise, or soft core porn... you should go see this movie, its brisk symbolism, excellent choreography, and sex make this movie an 8/10 for me... and it's better than another Madagascar movie...