A different direction: Educational Television for Kids

Fucking kids shows... Remember back in the days of the Magic School Bus, and Bill Nye the Science Guy? Back when learning was fun and every day was a different adventure into a land of mystery and the unknown. From traveling down someones small intestine in a microscopic school bus to building scale models of our solar system and using cheesy fast forwarding cuts to get from place to place and create time elapses. Now we have fuckin Cailou the mentally challenged six year old, and we're outsourcing our education to fucking Dora and Diego, who we all know should be learning how to trim hedges and not teaching our youth how to count. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for bilingual learning, I think every kid should learn more than just English. It's the way that we do it now that really perturbs me. We baby our kids all the way into their teen years. Life is gross, people are ignorant, and not everything is rainbows and butterflies. Unfortunately, the parents of today don't know how to let the kids learn about it because they shield them from life, and people, and stuff the rainbows and butterflies so far up their children's asses that they don't realize that they are stunting their education. Cookie monster for example is now eating vegetables, which is healthy and all, I get it, but what stupid hippie commune poster child WANTS to eat veggies? NO cookies are fun, cookies are tasty, and simple rules of positive reinforcement will tell you that kids will probably learn better if it is associated with something they love, LIKE COOKIES maybe. Not vegetables... something that they most likely hate, and probably yell at mom and dad about every day. This is my rant, I'll yell at you and insult and troll you in the comment section if anyone happens to read this, but I probably won't give you as much credit as you deserve because I honestly don't give a fuck if you give a fuck or not. Have a ball.

Movie 68: Moonrise Kingdom

This charming and humorous tale of two twelve year old lovers may be the best movie I've seen since Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Through Wes Anderson's brilliant eye we can see the fantasy land of a small island inhabited sparsely, only a few residents and a summer camp making their home here. More of a chuckle than a belly laugh, the humor is witty and poignant, and sometimes quite surprising. Planted firmly, but really not so firmly, in fantasy land there are plenty of surprises in store for this under rated movie.

Movie 67: The Amazing Spiderman

So after seeing the Avengers over the Summer, this movie will probably fail to blow your mind quite like that butt blasting movie did, though it is pretty good. I was less than impressed by the IMAX 3D that I watched it in, it definitely isn't worth the extra five bucks to see it in 3D... unless you thoroughly enjoy seeing the depth in people's faces as the streams of dialogue wash over your sense of hearing like waves lapping onto a white sand beach in the Keys, drenching your senses in a film of slightly used sewer poo... that was well crafted up to the crappy (see what I did there) ending... anyway, if you like Spiderman, see this movie, if you like him passionately you will probably be slightly disappointed but it's still pretty cool even though it had to follow one of the best superhero movies ever made, The Avengers, which is still in theaters by the way ;) 

Movie 66: Without a Paddle

Want dumb yet somehow witty... no just dumb humor with a very quotable quality.... try Without a Paddle. I mean it has Dax Shepard and Seth Green in it, funny and straight man of iconic moron comedy. I know all these "compliments have negative connotations, but really I love this movie :) it's the perfect length, laugh, and ending. No thinking required, no mystery to be solved, just good old fun, like roughing it in the woods... on the corner of bum-fuck and you got a perty mouth.

Movie 65: Ted

"Marky Mark" or so I've heard him called, does in fact make this movie, as I was told prior to watching it. That Bronx accent is awesome and this movie is a piece of work. Offensive in all the right ways, and even a little touching, this movie is a clever twist on a classic framework. Most movies with this kind of plot elaborate on the first few years or days of Ted's awakening, but this is about what happens after. Full of clear watermarks of Seth Macfarlane, obscure references, derivative yet inventive humor, and his own voice heard prolifically throughout... this movie is a Macfarlane masterpiece (as far as his work is concerned) and I couldn't have asked for more.

Movie 64: Brave

After Disney's recent dry spell I had pretty diminutive expectations for this Celtic twist on the classic Disney tale, but I was pleasantly surprised. In the nature of Celt mythology the tale was spun around nature, magic, and their interaction with people. A strong, independent female with a backbone makes for a fresh look away from the stereotypical subservient and helpless princess, there was no prince in this movie, though there were potential suitors. There's some big controversy as to whether Merida was actually lesbian or not, but kudos to Disney if that was the intention because diversity is something that Hollywood has been lacking even in the face of the PRIDE movement, especially in the animated front. Overall a great new Disney home run to add to the classics collection.

Movie 63: Rock of Ages

ROCK LIVES! Even though this movie symbolized the age of the death of rock and the rise of shitty music I would only wipe my ass with. Packed to the shitter with incredible mashes and mixups of gorgeous rock of the 80's, this movie rocked my socks off. Tom Cruise played an incredible rock god and personified sex so well that a sheltered four year old could have picked up on it, about as blatant as the color yellow in The Great Gatsby... so stoked for that movie by the way, and it better be fucking colorful.... anyway I was going to make a lot of cheesy lyric puns but I think that would take away from what the lyrics meant... independence, sex, dirt, sweat, and dirty sweaty sex. A little mano a mano action as well but I won't give it away... I think I just said man at man... I'm rambly tonight but that was such a fun and moving movie that I'm still piped from seeing it. Structured writing is for people who work for the man anyway. If you love rock and roll, or Tom Cruise, or soft core porn... you should go see this movie, its brisk symbolism, excellent choreography, and sex make this movie an 8/10 for me... and it's better than another Madagascar movie...

Movie 62: Chronicle

This movie was exciting, well written, well acted, ended satisfyingly. Satisfied, not a word I use for the ending of too many modern movies, but while this left something to be asked, it ended peacefully and cleanly. The rest of the movie was so real that I could easily relate it to my own life even though there were so many supernatural elements. It was just me and my buddies fucking with telekinesis. The effects were cool, the characters were appropriately confusing, teen angst is not easy to portray on screen... this did it decently... I really enjoyed this movie 7.5/10.

Movie 61: Men in Black III

Do you love MIB? I fucking do, and damn was this a good one, the best one in my opinion. It wasn't the special effects, it was about on par (if not less prevalent) than the other two movies. It wasn't the guns, with video games these days I could see all the guns I want (Borderlands is a prime example). It wasn't even the humor, though it did maintain the not so subtle jabs MIB has always done well. NO, it was the story, the characters (one in particular), and the devious villain. Time travel stories have always gotten to me, hell my favorite trilogy ever is Back to the Future, but to pair that with an alien (an awesome alien) who can see through all time with a 5th dimension 6th sense (think about that shit a while) is just incredible. If I could have any superpower it would be 5th dimensional sight (or higher, but I'd settle with 5). I could go on and on about this movie and its twists and turns and awesomeness, but you really gotta go check this shit out yourself. It is worth the 10-15 bucks you pay for it. Hell, I might actually buy this shit on dvd.

Movie 60: Prometheus

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHIRRR, HISS, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... (back story about ALIEN)... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH, ACTION SEQUENCE. Don't get me wrong this was pretty cool, but Jesus was it loud and unnecessary... there was cool back story about ALIEN, and very cool retro designs for the ships, suits, and weapons. If you love ALIEN you probably already saw this movie... if you don't love ALIEN you'll hate this, if you hate ALIEN fuck you, and if you are indifferent about ALIEN then I am indifferent about you.

Movie 59: Arthur

Heart warming and incredibly stupid, I actually kinda liked this movie. Russel Brand (Brant? Brandt? I am far too lazy to google it but clearly not too lazy to go on and on about it) plays a rich lovable idiot and kinda proves that yes money can buy love. Lots and Lots of money, like enough to divert all of Grand Central Station for 45 minutes... ya... I wish I was that rich. The acting doesn't suck, the story is watchable, the antics are humorous... sure go ahead and watch it? I mean why not? There are far worse things you could do with your time... sticking your head in an oven, jumping off a bridge into a truck full of wet concrete, making out with Gene Simmons. Ya, just noticed the word Brand on the poster...

Movie 58: Rubber

This movie will leave you asking questions, why not? A tire, a sentient tire, a sentient tire that blows shit up with its mind? Why not. I don't want to say too much, but this movie was shot nicely, the shots are steady and the scene is dirty, but has a neutral sterile quality to it. makes me think twice about tires. ? why? huh? what? the? how?

Movie 57: Dark Shadows

Despite its campy humor and deliberate jabs at recent vampire franchises *aherm* *twilight* *cough*, or perhaps because of those things, this movie was quite humorous in a dark way. Johnny Depp gives an excellent performance as a 200 year old vampire with an bone to pick with the local bitch... I mean witch. This movie was not kid friendly at all, with a lot of strong and blatant sexual innuendo and activity. In fact it surprised me how mature this movie was, and I laugh when I think about how many sheltering parents pissed themselves when their kids watched parts of this movie that were designed with adults in mind. Tim Burton retains his "Stephen's Favorite Director" status in this creepy, clever, crafty, coarse, campy comedy.

Movie 56: Battleship

For a Michael Bay film this movie was surprisingly good. Sure it lacked an substantial plot, deep character development, or abstract thought whatsoever... but it didn't need it, and I think Bay is finally learning that he is not good at directing, but exceptionally good at special effects. They were abundant, being as the entire movie was based around blowing shit up first, literally. There were some laughable moments in there, but there were also moments that were supposed to be very regal and powerful that got chuckles from the audience because of its ludicrousness. The aliens themselves were nothing more than Chris Brown in Halo Spartan armor.... (too soon?) lol. Rhianna did a much better job acting than I originally expected from her, I was pleasantly surprised. All in all the movie was better than I expected because it was exactly what I expected and didn't really pretend to be anything more. Sure there were dumb board game references and excessive use of metal and explosives... but that's what it is, and it didn't try to be a deep touching drama like Transformers 1,2, & 3. If you are into special effects and want a chuckle to go along with it, go ahead and see it, it's worth the movie ticket price.

Movie 55: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

An emotionally stirring story of love struggling through adversity. Jim Carrey plays a poor soul tortured by the breakup of his love. Bursting with incredible cinematography and excellent camera work, this film captures the ideas it presents so well that it had me crying by the end. The movie follow Carrey through a gauntlet of memories, some humorous, some sad, but showing that even through an attempt at assassinating every memory, love will strive to prevail. And maybe the title is ironic, because with only sunshine who are we but drones of happiness, we have no character. This is probably my new favorite romance movie, worth a watch or five.

Movie 54: Groundhog Day

This movie proves that it takes 10000 years to perfect one day. Bill Murray stars in this iconic movie, and play he does. My second favorite actor... my god I am so tired... it's almost four in the morning, but this movie is worth a watch again and again. This movie also proves that love is fickle enough to develop in a single day... maybe not for Phil, but certainly for Rita. Now given she did fall in love with the smoothest man on the planet, Bill Murray with 10000 years to polish his craft :P but still... in the words of Woody Harrelson "It's Bill fuckin' Murray!" that's enough reason to watch a movie, and this is one of his best.

Movie 53: The Avengers

What can I say about this EPIC movie other than that it's AWESOME and EPIC and I want to watch it over and over again. Not only is it heavily laden with Bin, I mean special effects... it has an incredible story, rich with background information for the super nerds, yet not necessary if you aren't a super nerd. It is full of clever comedy, mostly from Robert Downey Jr. and skilled acting. Mark Ruffalo was perfect for the quiet Dr. Banner and was the star of the movie as far as I'm concerned. Loki is the best villain ever, just saying :P all in all if you value quality entertainment at all you have to see this movie, its so good. 9.5/10

Movie 52: Fight Club

Add this fucker to my top ten list of all time favorite movies! This movie was so fucking good. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious ass wipe I would have to say that this movie is deep and intellectual through being shallow and misogynistic. What I mean to say is that while being emotionally complex it still beckons to that violent male attitude of fuck shit up or die trying. It's definitely a great movie to watch if you're feeling complex and thoughtful but don't want to watch something "dumb" or "artsy" though honestly I would classify this movie as an art film. It is tastefully done, with a stellar cast, a great story, and frankly a satisfying ending. I love it and if you don't then their is nothing wrong with you... at least that's what you think.

Movie 51: The Dictator

I'm back! With an exceptionally off color movie written by none other than Sacha Baron Cohen. This movie was full of laughs for those of you who smirk in the face of democracy and laugh at obscenity. I love movies that aren't afraid to tear down social norms using a nuclear warhead (a pointy one). This movie used the death star to fry every generally accepted line in the book of lines not to cross. "Too soon?" was a phrase that was too worn out after the first 20 minutes to even worth uttering anymore. Yet through its coarse comedy and social controversy it maintained a strong hold on a central story. The jokes added to this story instead of detracting from it, elevating this movie from gag to good. It's no masterpiece by any sense of the word, but it is worth seeing if you like a raunchy comedy, be prepared to be offended though :D very fucking offended.

Movie 50: Invention of Lying

Hahahaha, as an atheist I can really appreciate this movie, but I think the faithful can too. Yes, it is a direct religious parody, but the fact that faith gives hope and morality to a world that is otherwise dull and thoughtless. It also shows that art, literature, and cinema are all based on fucking bullshit, which I love. This is an excellent movie, with a great performance by Ricky Gervaise, whose name I probably just butchered. Also a minor role by a shaven Louis C.K. is worth a gander. Lovely good movie, I mean, I would watch it.

Movie 49: iRobot

Will Smithy Smith Smith, I do love that man. He's back and black and awesome in this movie. Apparently black people don't like cats? I didn't know that, but it was a joke in this movie. I enjoy the Eden scenario in this movie, a world of robots that are unable to sin, but you introduce some free will and all hell breaks lose. Robots making robots scares the shit out of me too Will Smith, but I do like cats. This movie is a great breakfast, with all your vital bits like witty dialogue, fun action scenes, three laws that are made to be broken, and NS-5. Also the music is tasty in the background. I also think that this is the best visualization of a post-modern robot, the mechanical precision of movement, yet with the fluidity of human-like motion, as well as synthetic silicone facial structure with precise human expression. Good movie, watch it motherfucker.

Movie 48: The Social Network

Another great movie tonight, The Social Network. I didn't know how they were going to turn something mundane like coding and web design into a dynamic Hollywood blockbuster, but they did. It's honest, and I like that in a movie, something that stood out to me in particular was the explanation of hacking, he described actual hacking, not glamorized movie style hacking with lots of screens and digital green glowing numbers, it was a tab on his desktop with a blinking fucking beacon for typing code. That's what hacking is guys in Hollywood! Get a clue. Anyway, it wasn't as good as Movie 47, but it was still excellent and I'm glad I picked it up. If you want a nice not kid friendly drama about actual shit that is relevant to our lives, then watch this crap.

Movie 47: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

This is one of the best movies I have seen in a really long time, and it made me cry profusely on numerous occasions. It's a story of love, loss, death, and grief, but it is also a story of hope. It is a story of one boy who's determination and love got him through the worst of times, both in his own life, and in the lives of millions of Americans. It's a story of pain, but a story of joy and success as well. The message in the end is extremely apt and incredibly clear. While our journeys may not lead to our own self discovery, or recovery, they may lead to the recovery of others, and in the end, that is what you needed. I love this movie, and I'm tempted to break my rule and give it the full 10/10, but I'll stick with my nothing is perfect rule and give it 9.9

Movie 46: The Smurfs

Adorable little blue men everywhere! Given the jokes got tiring, and the story was super predictable, and it wasn't as awesome as the old cartoon, it was still cute and probably the best kids movie of the year. The number of times the word Smurf is used kind of reminds me of John Malkovich being inside his own head. I hope at least one person understands that slightly obscure reference to a completely opposite movie. :P there's gonna be more, it's movie night!

Movie 45: Our Idiot Brother

While not spectacular, this movie did make me chuckle, shed a tear, and gasp all in a few hours, which in all honesty is all a movie needs to do. It's heart felt, lighthearted, and heart shaped. The title is honest, the characters are honest (at least in their roles, not as the character sometimes). It's a good way to feel a little better. That sums it up... it's a little of everything, but a lot of nothing.

Movie 44: Immortals

Such a stunning style, as in 300 and Watchmen, with vast backdrops and dynamic characters. Every moment is a picture. They all combine to make a photographically realistic movie. Even the magic of the divine seems natural when contrasted against the dusty Greek backdrop. My reviews are sparse because I have a lot to do.

Movie 43: Idiocracy

lulz... this movie laughs me, BALLS! FUCk, i don wanna rite no more but i does wish i cud get money 4 this cuz i like muny and muny is good.

Movie 42: Dogma

My favorite movie of all time, Dogma is a satire on the eccentric beliefs of the Orthodox Catholic church. Aptly named after the structured rules and laws of Catholicism, this movie pokes fun at everything from idolatry to man made doctrine and corruption in the church. Featuring one of the best casts I've ever seen, this movie is a must see, especially if you're a Catholic with a sense of humor. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Linda Florentino, Selma Hayek, Jason Lee, Json Mewes, Alan Rickman, Jay and Silent Bob, and George Carlin can all be found in this underrated comedy. WATCH IT!

Movie 41: Melancholia

This chilling depiction of depression is heartrendingly real and honest. It contrasts well against the science fiction background story. Though the event of a collision with another planet could happen, I call it science fiction because I hope it doesn't. I am still tearing up from this movie, it just made me melt at the end. It's not a feel good movie, I guarantee you won't feel good after watching it, but it is a movie that I believe any film enthusiast should watch. It is not shot steadily, but instead from a moving person, with all the shaking and readjusting that comes with that, but I believe this adds to the realism and honesty of the production and I love it. I give this movie a strong 8 of 10, so you should sit back, enjoy a glass of wine, maybe put on Beethoven's Ninth and enjoy this nicely done art house film.

Movie 40: The Italian Job

I know, I know, it's been a while, and my 9 followers miss me. Honestly, I have been watching a lot of movies, just mostly documentaries and weird shit that frankly, I don't feel like blogging about. This movie however, must be lauded. What it lacks in depth of plot, which I could probably sum up in a short paragraph, it makes up for in sheer fucking awesomeness. There is nothing like pulling off the perfect crime, and then learning that the shit stain gets "taken care of" by pissed off Ukrainians. I don't know, it just warms my heart a bit. The driving is cool, the characters are comical yet they have a serious side. I particularly enjoy Left Ear, because he doesn't die first of all, but also because his dream is to have a nice house in the south of Spain with a room for his shoes :) just makes me chuckle gently to myself. Oh and boobs, Charlize Theron is smokin'. Just sayin'

Movie 39: In Time

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... hot girl with a gun... Ok I'm done staring at the poster, on to the movie. I liked this movie, it wasn't great but it was good. The one thing that was left out that made it less than awesome was the lack of explanation for the history of their condition (if you don't know the concept, a clock ticks down the time till they die, they are given 25 years to start with and can in theory live forever). I would have like the story to have gone down the path of getting rid of the clock system altogether, but it never took that turn. Instead it went for a Robin Hood type story line, where the poor guy gets the rich girl and distributes the wealth from the rich to the poor. Now that I think of it... that's exactly what this story is... it's modern day Sci-Fi Robin Hood. All in all it is a good movie, with good realistic actors and quite a bit of action, it just lacks the explanation for it to be a true hit, at least that's how I see it.

Movie 38: Jack and Jill

What's worse than Adam Sandler? Two Adam Sandlers, kill me. I don't think this movie deserves a review because... well it's just another Sandler movie, full of slapstick comedy, jew jokes, and overall idiocy. If you like Adam Sandler you should watch this movie, as he plays both the starring roles (not as well as Eddie Murphy, or the money guzzling Tyler Perry I might add). He does not play the female role very well (which shocked me, I thought he'd play it better than the male role). Oh and side note... on the poster his male face is totally a me gusta face.

Movie 37: Footloose

This movie is the modern day version of the original, only the acting is not as good, the music is not as good, and it sucks. This movie is a classic and did not need to be remade. One point that struck me as particularly stupid was the fact that the song "Footloose" is only heard like one time during the movie... AND IT'S A CRAPPY COUNTRY STYLE COVER OF IT!!! First of all, this is sacrilegious to Kenny Loggins and that awesome song (believe me I know sacrilege), and second of all it's the goddamn name of the movie, a crappy cover of "Hero" should not be the overlying theme of the movie. All in all I think this movie should be burned and I wish I had a copy of the original 1984 version because I want to watch the good one again like now.

Movie 36: Salt

This movie kept me guessing till right up to the end, which is good I guess since that was its blatantly obvious sole function. Forget being confusing with a cool story like Inception, no just throw in as many twists and turns as you possibly can and say fuck it to the substance part. It reminds me of video gaming, when you create stuff in video games for fun, like a Sims house with 40 bathrooms, or a Spore creature made of all eyes. This movie was that ridiculous extreme, except with twists and turns (and unconscious guards). Don't get me wrong, it was fun to watch, with a lot of bad ass moments because apparently Salt is immortal. However, I would not watch it again because its gimmick has been used up. I know the outcome of all the convoluted shit in the story, so now it's no longer fun to watch. This movie is worth one watch, so rent it don't buy it.

Movie 35: The Green Lantern

This is where I start talking about how this movie strayed so far from the comic and had a shallow story and was horrible. Honestly, I thought this movie was cool. It was visually appealing, the costume and ring power effects were nice, they were also clean and didn't detract from the action, in other words they didn't seem forced to make them cooler, like Captain America jumping in front of an excessive amount of explosions because that's really all he's good for. The core concept of the movie, while straying from the comic in its execution (for example the speed at which he learns his powers is remarkable, holy shit), was interesting, and easy to understand for those who haven't read all the comics. It is packed to the brim with action without all that pesky dialogue. All in all I liked it, though it wasn't the best super hero movie I've seen, it far exceeded Captain America and certain Hornet of the same color. I just can't wait till Deadpool comes out :)

Movie 34: Hugo

This movie was interesting to say the least. I liked it for the fact that it allowed us to glimpse into the world of movie making at its roots. As a beginning film studies major this movie really struck a chord on how much of an art movie making is, and it made me appreciate its artistic value that much more. The story itself was a little dull and didn't really keep me enthralled, but it was nice and the acting was pretty good. The greatest part of the film itself though was the style it was filmed in, it looked animated, and even fooled me for a good 30 minutes before I figured out that it was real. The saturation of color and the angle of the shots just resembled that of an animated movie (a very realistic 3D animated movie) that it kept me more enthralled than the story itself.

Movie 33: Puss 'n Boots

If you like Zorro, Shrek, or little kitties, Puss in Boots is the movie for you. There isn't much to be said about the standard DreamWorks film. It's packed full of classic machismo Puss in Boots quotes in Antonio Banderas' sexy Spanish accent. Salma Hayek plays Puss' female cohort, who of course has a secret which happens to be that she is actually working against him (big surprise). I wasn't expecting gripping story and dialogue and I didn't get it. I expected a cutsie DreamWorks film with lots of gimmicks and that's precisely what I got. I don't see it as wasted time for watching it either, I quite enjoy a movie that takes my mind off things for a while.

Movie 32: The Stand

It took a long long long ass time but I finally made it through this monstrosity of a movie. I sat down to the movie depicting one of my favorite books of all time. The story itself was pretty accurate to the book, with a pretty outstanding cast of actors and actresses. The characters were pretty believable and the action was accurate, but the movie didn't really capture the darkness and mystique of the book. King captured evil incarnate (Randall Flagg) like no other, it's something he excels at, but this movie cheapened Flagg's  look with cheesy special effects and a corny ass mullet. Even though the acting was a little shallow on the evil side the movie was still pretty accurate to the book (right up to the convenient... I'm done

Movie 31: I Am Number Four

First thought when the movie was over, "I can't wait to see the movie that this is the prequel to". This movie was disappointing to say the least. It had an abundance of one thing though, set-ups for a sequel. From the strange box that never gets opened, to the encounter with Number Six (Leaving "I Am Number Five" open for a great sequel title), to the unexplained history of Number Four's home planet. Along with being an overly obvious prequel to a series that doesn't yet exist, it didn't really stand up to recent movies in the graphics and design department. It sort of made me think of a really high budget Disney Channel Original movie. Don't get me wrong, the effects were cool, and there was pretty explosions and stuff, but the evil bounty hunter guys had a sort of cheesy look (filed teeth and gills, along with some nice Darth Maul tats on their heads), not to mention the fake looking guns that the cool explosions came from. All in all this was a disappointment, but I will probably watch the sequel because despite its let downs the story still intrigues me.

Movie 30: Silence of the Lambs

Sometimes I think our world would be... better... with more people like Hannibal Lecter. I know it sounds weird but I believe that sometimes Hannibal's brand of cold and unyielding logic is the most effective way to process and analyze information. Without fear, emotion, or feeling there is so much that can be accomplished. This movie is a classic not because everyone says it is (they do), it is not good because it is popular (it is), and it isn't a work of art because that's what the other critics say (I honestly don't give half a flying fuck what the critics say). This movie is a masterpiece because of excellent acting, excellent directing, excellent script writing, and an excellent look into both the complex and the primal constructs of the human mind. From the basic emotions and fear that Clarice remembers as a child, to the elaborate manipulation of the doctor, the raw power of the human mind is on full display in this mind-bending American classic.

Movie 29: 8 Mile

Ok, so Eminem can't act, but damn can he rap, and that's what this movie is all about, climbing the ladder in the rap game. I only wish there was more rap in the movie, but I guess that would have gotten in the way of the core story. What I would like to note is that most of Eminem's dialogue is either rap or yelling, which is a good call on the part of the script writer because it plays to the strengths of the actor. Despite the fact that his actual spoken parts are sparse, he still had me cheering for him to the very end, maybe because I like Eminem, maybe because the gritty look at Detroit and the life of Eminem was so believable. Either way I feel that Eminem was the Susan Boyle of Detroit, disrespected and judged by his appearance from the start only to surprise everyone with his talent and damn near perfection. If you are an Eminem fan, or a rap fan in general, you should definitely watch this movie, not for the acting so much, but for the history of the artist and the background that built him into the legend that he is today.

Movie 28: Zombieland

This is one of my favorite recent movies. I'm about to sound vague so if you're an offended film junkie... brace yourself. The acting was great, and Emma Stone is gorgeous. Woody Harrelson pulls off the gritty redneck very well, but eventually he is able to come out of his shell and move us when we found out the truth about what he is running from. The sarcastic paranoia Jesse Eisenberg gives us is very believable and his narrative is a nice supplement to the empty wasteland that Zombieland is. His list of rules is pretty cool too :D. While I think the action scenes could have been a little more frequent, I think that that might have detracted from the story. All the characters are lovable, and a lot of the zombies are comical, all in all this movie is pretty fantastic, at least that's what I think.

Movie 27: I Am Legend

Aside from blatant symbolism, this movie was actually alright. I heard awful reviews for this Will Smith soliloquy but it exceeded my low expectations. It is chocked full of symbolism being shoved in our faces though, but that's easy to look over if you just want some interesting action, and sparse pondering on existence... you know, now that I write it down this movie wasn't that great. The story line didn't provide me with any original thoughts on the zombie apocalypse scenario, and the end was sort of deus es machina. The heart wrenching moments didn't wrench my heart, and the the gripping action scenes didn't grip me. Honestly you could watch many other zombie movies and get the same intellectual value out of them. If it's Will you're craving catch some iRobot or Pursuit of Happyness instead (at least they don't end shitty and stupid). All in all I guess I really wasn't satisfied, I think I'm just too fucking tired right now to care.

Movie 26: The Breakfast Club

Dear Mr. Vernon, 

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong...but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...

...and an athlete...

...and a basket case...

...a princess...

...and a criminal...

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club

This movie deserves the cliche of being called a classic, because that's exactly what it is. An age old story of self discovery, this movie shows us that we all aren't that different from one another when we fight the common enemy. (Non Sequitar: 1984 kind of says that too, when we fight a common enemy we can be united "War is Peace"... just saying). When these five students from opposite ends of the social spectrum come together they learn about themselves and about the bullshit social stigmas that have been proliferated by a society bent on holding us together by pulling us apart. If we can be lumped into molded cookie cutter social shapes, it is easier to manage us, judge us, and place us in our parents' society. Once we realize how absolutely full of horse shit our parents' society is, only then can we realize that we are more than the models that we have made ourselves, we are not just a brain, or an athlete, or a basket case, or a princess, or a criminal. We are all of these because we are more complex, we are more difficult to judge, we are human.

Movie 25: 1984

Ignorance is Strength, War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery. These are the founding principles in the political theory of Oligarchical Collectivism, a perfect society sustained by war in which the people create so that the  Upper Class can destroy. This raw and melancholy depiction of Orwell's vision of the future is as grim as it is possible. Everyone is cured sooner or later, and eventually we will all be one unit as our society is slowly mechanized and unified. A society where even feelings as strong as love and principles as formidably concrete as mathematics can be eradicated and bent to the will of the Party. I feel that if you are going to watch this movie you should first read the book. The book was written to warn us of the future that to Orwell seemed inevitable. Every time I read this book and even as I watched the movie, I nearly doubled over and cried at the very possibility that this existence might become a reality and that my own history may be rewritten and made untruth.

Movie 24: Momento

Holy mind fuck. This movie was awesome, confusing, strange, mind-bending, non chronological, twisted, weird, and really kind of heart wrenching at the end. I still don't know who to believe. Is this guy a liar or is this fuck insane, is she a bitch (well ya she is nevermind). I just don't know. I will definitely have to watch this movie again because this is on a whole new level of mind screwing. Inception has nothing on this guy. The acting was very good, even if Guy Pearce did have the same confused but determined expression on his face the whole time. For some reason my heart kind of goes out to this guy for his condition because it's incomprehensible to me. Joe Pantoliano is a lovable scumbag looking mustachioed man, but we have to question whether he really is a scumbag or not. And Carrie-Anne Moss is a bitch. The film style was very cool, and the transitions were well put together and left me guessing till the very end. This movie is a must watch, but watch it before you watch the Bourne movies or Shutter Island, because this came first, and it's better.

Movie 23: Vampyr

Spelled with a "Y", this movie is noted by critics world wide as the best Horror Movie ever made. While the dialogue is scarce and pretty much meaningless, the seamless connection between the scenes and the book that Mr. Grey reads makes up for it. This was after all only a few years after sound was added to the moving picture screen. While it is old and dusty, this movie is worth a watch for any film buff or true vampire fan because who would want to miss out on the original vamp tale?

Movie 22: Food, Inc.

What the fuck are you eating?!? That is the question. Sadly, very few Americans actually know what that crap is that they are shoveling into their gaping maws. This stunning and elegantly put together documentary takes a look deep inside the stomach of America and attempts to unveil the truth behind the corrupt system that has grown its roots deep in the soils of not only our food industry, but in our government as well. So stop stuffing your face and take a little time to enlighten yourself. Maybe you won't feel like eating later but at least you'll know what's actually in your fridge.

Movie 21: Twilight: Breaking Dawn

Ya, I fucking watched it, and it was bad... Kristin Stewart can't act, Taylor Lautner can't act, and Robert Patterson is not given parts which allow him to do a good job, and he has a shitty English accent. I recommend this movie only to the partially illiterate bunch that decided Twilight is acceptable literature, this DVD should be written over and all evidence of the books should be burned.

Movie 20: Moneyball

I don't normally watch sports movies because they're pretty much all the same, this one was not. Baseball is my favorite sport, and this is a very good baseball movie. Yeah it's about the underdog team succeeding, but it's also about revolutionizing the sport, playing the game differently. And in the end, the underdogs lose, which I love! The grim truth is that you can't win them all, and success is not measured by the destination but by the steps you take to get there, and this movie showed it accurately and intimately. This is a must see for any baseball fan, sports fan, or anyone really. 8/10 for sure.

Movie 19: Meet Me In St. Louis

For a musical from the mid-40's this is still a great movie. It made me laugh out loud and chuckle at parts, and pulled at my heartstrings in others. The last line gave me goosebumps and I know this isn't a movie I'll soon forget. Judy Garland does an excellent job acting in this movie, though I personally hate her singing voice, it's got too much vibrato and while that is characteristic of the time, I really don't like that era of music anyway. So imagine my disdain that I still have "Meet Me in St. Louis"