A different direction: Educational Television for Kids

Fucking kids shows... Remember back in the days of the Magic School Bus, and Bill Nye the Science Guy? Back when learning was fun and every day was a different adventure into a land of mystery and the unknown. From traveling down someones small intestine in a microscopic school bus to building scale models of our solar system and using cheesy fast forwarding cuts to get from place to place and create time elapses. Now we have fuckin Cailou the mentally challenged six year old, and we're outsourcing our education to fucking Dora and Diego, who we all know should be learning how to trim hedges and not teaching our youth how to count. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for bilingual learning, I think every kid should learn more than just English. It's the way that we do it now that really perturbs me. We baby our kids all the way into their teen years. Life is gross, people are ignorant, and not everything is rainbows and butterflies. Unfortunately, the parents of today don't know how to let the kids learn about it because they shield them from life, and people, and stuff the rainbows and butterflies so far up their children's asses that they don't realize that they are stunting their education. Cookie monster for example is now eating vegetables, which is healthy and all, I get it, but what stupid hippie commune poster child WANTS to eat veggies? NO cookies are fun, cookies are tasty, and simple rules of positive reinforcement will tell you that kids will probably learn better if it is associated with something they love, LIKE COOKIES maybe. Not vegetables... something that they most likely hate, and probably yell at mom and dad about every day. This is my rant, I'll yell at you and insult and troll you in the comment section if anyone happens to read this, but I probably won't give you as much credit as you deserve because I honestly don't give a fuck if you give a fuck or not. Have a ball.

Movie 68: Moonrise Kingdom

This charming and humorous tale of two twelve year old lovers may be the best movie I've seen since Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Through Wes Anderson's brilliant eye we can see the fantasy land of a small island inhabited sparsely, only a few residents and a summer camp making their home here. More of a chuckle than a belly laugh, the humor is witty and poignant, and sometimes quite surprising. Planted firmly, but really not so firmly, in fantasy land there are plenty of surprises in store for this under rated movie.

Movie 67: The Amazing Spiderman

So after seeing the Avengers over the Summer, this movie will probably fail to blow your mind quite like that butt blasting movie did, though it is pretty good. I was less than impressed by the IMAX 3D that I watched it in, it definitely isn't worth the extra five bucks to see it in 3D... unless you thoroughly enjoy seeing the depth in people's faces as the streams of dialogue wash over your sense of hearing like waves lapping onto a white sand beach in the Keys, drenching your senses in a film of slightly used sewer poo... that was well crafted up to the crappy (see what I did there) ending... anyway, if you like Spiderman, see this movie, if you like him passionately you will probably be slightly disappointed but it's still pretty cool even though it had to follow one of the best superhero movies ever made, The Avengers, which is still in theaters by the way ;) 

Movie 66: Without a Paddle

Want dumb yet somehow witty... no just dumb humor with a very quotable quality.... try Without a Paddle. I mean it has Dax Shepard and Seth Green in it, funny and straight man of iconic moron comedy. I know all these "compliments have negative connotations, but really I love this movie :) it's the perfect length, laugh, and ending. No thinking required, no mystery to be solved, just good old fun, like roughing it in the woods... on the corner of bum-fuck and you got a perty mouth.

Movie 65: Ted

"Marky Mark" or so I've heard him called, does in fact make this movie, as I was told prior to watching it. That Bronx accent is awesome and this movie is a piece of work. Offensive in all the right ways, and even a little touching, this movie is a clever twist on a classic framework. Most movies with this kind of plot elaborate on the first few years or days of Ted's awakening, but this is about what happens after. Full of clear watermarks of Seth Macfarlane, obscure references, derivative yet inventive humor, and his own voice heard prolifically throughout... this movie is a Macfarlane masterpiece (as far as his work is concerned) and I couldn't have asked for more.

Movie 64: Brave

After Disney's recent dry spell I had pretty diminutive expectations for this Celtic twist on the classic Disney tale, but I was pleasantly surprised. In the nature of Celt mythology the tale was spun around nature, magic, and their interaction with people. A strong, independent female with a backbone makes for a fresh look away from the stereotypical subservient and helpless princess, there was no prince in this movie, though there were potential suitors. There's some big controversy as to whether Merida was actually lesbian or not, but kudos to Disney if that was the intention because diversity is something that Hollywood has been lacking even in the face of the PRIDE movement, especially in the animated front. Overall a great new Disney home run to add to the classics collection.

Movie 63: Rock of Ages

ROCK LIVES! Even though this movie symbolized the age of the death of rock and the rise of shitty music I would only wipe my ass with. Packed to the shitter with incredible mashes and mixups of gorgeous rock of the 80's, this movie rocked my socks off. Tom Cruise played an incredible rock god and personified sex so well that a sheltered four year old could have picked up on it, about as blatant as the color yellow in The Great Gatsby... so stoked for that movie by the way, and it better be fucking colorful.... anyway I was going to make a lot of cheesy lyric puns but I think that would take away from what the lyrics meant... independence, sex, dirt, sweat, and dirty sweaty sex. A little mano a mano action as well but I won't give it away... I think I just said man at man... I'm rambly tonight but that was such a fun and moving movie that I'm still piped from seeing it. Structured writing is for people who work for the man anyway. If you love rock and roll, or Tom Cruise, or soft core porn... you should go see this movie, its brisk symbolism, excellent choreography, and sex make this movie an 8/10 for me... and it's better than another Madagascar movie...

Movie 62: Chronicle

This movie was exciting, well written, well acted, ended satisfyingly. Satisfied, not a word I use for the ending of too many modern movies, but while this left something to be asked, it ended peacefully and cleanly. The rest of the movie was so real that I could easily relate it to my own life even though there were so many supernatural elements. It was just me and my buddies fucking with telekinesis. The effects were cool, the characters were appropriately confusing, teen angst is not easy to portray on screen... this did it decently... I really enjoyed this movie 7.5/10.

Movie 61: Men in Black III

Do you love MIB? I fucking do, and damn was this a good one, the best one in my opinion. It wasn't the special effects, it was about on par (if not less prevalent) than the other two movies. It wasn't the guns, with video games these days I could see all the guns I want (Borderlands is a prime example). It wasn't even the humor, though it did maintain the not so subtle jabs MIB has always done well. NO, it was the story, the characters (one in particular), and the devious villain. Time travel stories have always gotten to me, hell my favorite trilogy ever is Back to the Future, but to pair that with an alien (an awesome alien) who can see through all time with a 5th dimension 6th sense (think about that shit a while) is just incredible. If I could have any superpower it would be 5th dimensional sight (or higher, but I'd settle with 5). I could go on and on about this movie and its twists and turns and awesomeness, but you really gotta go check this shit out yourself. It is worth the 10-15 bucks you pay for it. Hell, I might actually buy this shit on dvd.

Movie 60: Prometheus

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHIRRR, HISS, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... (back story about ALIEN)... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH, ACTION SEQUENCE. Don't get me wrong this was pretty cool, but Jesus was it loud and unnecessary... there was cool back story about ALIEN, and very cool retro designs for the ships, suits, and weapons. If you love ALIEN you probably already saw this movie... if you don't love ALIEN you'll hate this, if you hate ALIEN fuck you, and if you are indifferent about ALIEN then I am indifferent about you.

Movie 59: Arthur

Heart warming and incredibly stupid, I actually kinda liked this movie. Russel Brand (Brant? Brandt? I am far too lazy to google it but clearly not too lazy to go on and on about it) plays a rich lovable idiot and kinda proves that yes money can buy love. Lots and Lots of money, like enough to divert all of Grand Central Station for 45 minutes... ya... I wish I was that rich. The acting doesn't suck, the story is watchable, the antics are humorous... sure go ahead and watch it? I mean why not? There are far worse things you could do with your time... sticking your head in an oven, jumping off a bridge into a truck full of wet concrete, making out with Gene Simmons. Ya, just noticed the word Brand on the poster...

Movie 58: Rubber

This movie will leave you asking questions, why not? A tire, a sentient tire, a sentient tire that blows shit up with its mind? Why not. I don't want to say too much, but this movie was shot nicely, the shots are steady and the scene is dirty, but has a neutral sterile quality to it. makes me think twice about tires. ? why? huh? what? the? how?

Movie 57: Dark Shadows

Despite its campy humor and deliberate jabs at recent vampire franchises *aherm* *twilight* *cough*, or perhaps because of those things, this movie was quite humorous in a dark way. Johnny Depp gives an excellent performance as a 200 year old vampire with an bone to pick with the local bitch... I mean witch. This movie was not kid friendly at all, with a lot of strong and blatant sexual innuendo and activity. In fact it surprised me how mature this movie was, and I laugh when I think about how many sheltering parents pissed themselves when their kids watched parts of this movie that were designed with adults in mind. Tim Burton retains his "Stephen's Favorite Director" status in this creepy, clever, crafty, coarse, campy comedy.

Movie 56: Battleship

For a Michael Bay film this movie was surprisingly good. Sure it lacked an substantial plot, deep character development, or abstract thought whatsoever... but it didn't need it, and I think Bay is finally learning that he is not good at directing, but exceptionally good at special effects. They were abundant, being as the entire movie was based around blowing shit up first, literally. There were some laughable moments in there, but there were also moments that were supposed to be very regal and powerful that got chuckles from the audience because of its ludicrousness. The aliens themselves were nothing more than Chris Brown in Halo Spartan armor.... (too soon?) lol. Rhianna did a much better job acting than I originally expected from her, I was pleasantly surprised. All in all the movie was better than I expected because it was exactly what I expected and didn't really pretend to be anything more. Sure there were dumb board game references and excessive use of metal and explosives... but that's what it is, and it didn't try to be a deep touching drama like Transformers 1,2, & 3. If you are into special effects and want a chuckle to go along with it, go ahead and see it, it's worth the movie ticket price.

Movie 55: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

An emotionally stirring story of love struggling through adversity. Jim Carrey plays a poor soul tortured by the breakup of his love. Bursting with incredible cinematography and excellent camera work, this film captures the ideas it presents so well that it had me crying by the end. The movie follow Carrey through a gauntlet of memories, some humorous, some sad, but showing that even through an attempt at assassinating every memory, love will strive to prevail. And maybe the title is ironic, because with only sunshine who are we but drones of happiness, we have no character. This is probably my new favorite romance movie, worth a watch or five.

Movie 54: Groundhog Day

This movie proves that it takes 10000 years to perfect one day. Bill Murray stars in this iconic movie, and play he does. My second favorite actor... my god I am so tired... it's almost four in the morning, but this movie is worth a watch again and again. This movie also proves that love is fickle enough to develop in a single day... maybe not for Phil, but certainly for Rita. Now given she did fall in love with the smoothest man on the planet, Bill Murray with 10000 years to polish his craft :P but still... in the words of Woody Harrelson "It's Bill fuckin' Murray!" that's enough reason to watch a movie, and this is one of his best.

Movie 53: The Avengers

What can I say about this EPIC movie other than that it's AWESOME and EPIC and I want to watch it over and over again. Not only is it heavily laden with Bin, I mean special effects... it has an incredible story, rich with background information for the super nerds, yet not necessary if you aren't a super nerd. It is full of clever comedy, mostly from Robert Downey Jr. and skilled acting. Mark Ruffalo was perfect for the quiet Dr. Banner and was the star of the movie as far as I'm concerned. Loki is the best villain ever, just saying :P all in all if you value quality entertainment at all you have to see this movie, its so good. 9.5/10

Movie 52: Fight Club

Add this fucker to my top ten list of all time favorite movies! This movie was so fucking good. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious ass wipe I would have to say that this movie is deep and intellectual through being shallow and misogynistic. What I mean to say is that while being emotionally complex it still beckons to that violent male attitude of fuck shit up or die trying. It's definitely a great movie to watch if you're feeling complex and thoughtful but don't want to watch something "dumb" or "artsy" though honestly I would classify this movie as an art film. It is tastefully done, with a stellar cast, a great story, and frankly a satisfying ending. I love it and if you don't then their is nothing wrong with you... at least that's what you think.

Movie 51: The Dictator

I'm back! With an exceptionally off color movie written by none other than Sacha Baron Cohen. This movie was full of laughs for those of you who smirk in the face of democracy and laugh at obscenity. I love movies that aren't afraid to tear down social norms using a nuclear warhead (a pointy one). This movie used the death star to fry every generally accepted line in the book of lines not to cross. "Too soon?" was a phrase that was too worn out after the first 20 minutes to even worth uttering anymore. Yet through its coarse comedy and social controversy it maintained a strong hold on a central story. The jokes added to this story instead of detracting from it, elevating this movie from gag to good. It's no masterpiece by any sense of the word, but it is worth seeing if you like a raunchy comedy, be prepared to be offended though :D very fucking offended.

Movie 50: Invention of Lying

Hahahaha, as an atheist I can really appreciate this movie, but I think the faithful can too. Yes, it is a direct religious parody, but the fact that faith gives hope and morality to a world that is otherwise dull and thoughtless. It also shows that art, literature, and cinema are all based on fucking bullshit, which I love. This is an excellent movie, with a great performance by Ricky Gervaise, whose name I probably just butchered. Also a minor role by a shaven Louis C.K. is worth a gander. Lovely good movie, I mean, I would watch it.